


cause i know what it's like to be sad

by vinndetta



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Childhood Trauma, Coping, Gen, Healing, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 10:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18496771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: Danny Sexbang is a superhero destined to save the universe.But Dan Avidan doesn't think of himself as a hero.





	cause i know what it's like to be sad

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this to cope with my mostly repressed memories of csa hahahahHAAHHA
> 
> tw for attempted rape, previous rape, ummm i mean it's all in the tags but if i forget something pls tell me

Life as a superhero is complicated.

He doesn't live out his life as his alter ego, and he certainly would never want that. It's exhausting, putting up this front. He loves it, though: the attention, the ladies, the fans...

But when he's not out patrolling, he's simply Dan Avidan. Sometimes, as an internet comedian, he'll pass by the occasional person that actually recognizes him as Avidan simply by voice. It's a little daunting, having to maintain two basically celebrity-like statuses. It works out somehow, though, and it's not like Dan to complain about something that seems to be working out fine. He's just glad no one recognizes him as Danny Sexbang when he's a civilian. Because that would be messy.

He supposes he feels a sort of kinship with Spider-man. Both he and said fictional hero live out a life where they hide their secret identity to the rest of the world. But Peter Parker sometimes gives off the vibe that he's not exactly a fan of being his civilian self. Dan loves both sides of him; he enjoys all the hero work and the appreciation that comes with it, but he also enjoys sitting on a couch with his best friend while spouting jokes that millions of people listen to.

But there's another similarity between Peter Parker and Dan Avidan, and it's something that he's never told anyone about.

-

Dan Avidan has his own Skip Westcott, but his Skip is called Jake Campos. That name will forever be burned into his memory, flashing red in all capital letters when he closes his eyes.

Dan sometimes doesn't know why the universe decided to give him powers and let him become the hero. He dreamed so much when he was younger of a knight in shining armor that saves the kingdom from total destruction. He loved to watch movies where those with special powers and a good alignment used their powers to save people and to fight back against evils in the world.

He never asked for this.

What he did ask for was a hero to save him in his time of need.

Where was his Danny Sexbang when he was crying on his neighbor's couch, whimpering while the older teenager trapped him from above?

-

Danny Sexbang always strikes hardest when there's rapists involved. Especially when they're pedophiles.

-

Danny Sexbang is a superhero destined to save the universe.

But Dan Avidan doesn't think of himself as a hero.

-

One day, Dan starts to have a panic attack on the couch that he had thought to bring only joy and laughter. With Arin at his side and those words ringing through his ears, he doesn't know what to do except turn into a mess. The name came up once, a generic name, but the name nonetheless; it slaps Dan in the face, and suddenly, the walls he built fall apart to reveal the timid nine-year-old that didn't know what was happening to him.

Arin holds him in his arms, asks no questions, just lets Dan know that he's there for him.

The episode gets scrapped.

-

"I had a friend."

Arin's grin falters, his eyebrow furrowing as his grip on the chopsticks tightens.

"Yeah?" Arin lets out, as if he's not sure what to say, doesn't want to scare Dan off.

Dan sets down his own chopsticks, so Arin follows suit.

"I didn't see it coming."

Both of them stare at each other for a moment. One moment, they were laughing over a joke during their lunch break; another, both of them seem to have lost their appetites. Dan himself isn't sure why he's bringing this up. He's told a few people around the time it happened, but he hasn't talked about it in a long time. He supposes he wants Arin to understand what happened in the Grump room a couple days ago, but it's more than that. He wants to say it, needs to let it out.

"I thought things like that only happen to girls, only happen to people in movies, only happens to people that are weak. I thought he was my friend." Dan narrows his eyes. "But..."

"Dan..." Arin scoots closer to him, which doesn't go unnoticed. Dan looks down at him, perplexed

"Arin... I..."

"You don't have to continue." Arin rubs his own arm. "You don't have to feel like... you..."

"N-no." Dan stutters a bit, but it's said strongly, which makes Arin raise his eyebrow.

"No," Dan amends, "I have to."

Arin's only response is a nod, and Dan can see the look in Arin's eyes. It's filled with empathy, understanding, and love.

"He wanted to play a new game with me. Something fun. Something..." Dan gulped. "More pleasurable."

"Dan..."

Arin reaches up to rub his finger across Dan's cheek. Dan didn't even realize that a tear or two had escaped from his eyes, despite him trying hard to not cry in front of his best friend.

"I wasn't strong enough to push him away, to do anything."

"Dan, no, don't-"

"Arin, how can I be a hero? I'm everything but a hero - I'm a coward who can't even face his inner demons."

"Dan, shut the fuck up."

Arin's terse tone makes him widen his eyes as he blinks with surprise at his friend.

"You can't just... say shit like that."

"I... I'm not quite catching your drift here."

"Leigh Daniel Avidan, look at yourself for once, would you? You're... doing things. You're a comedian, a musician, an actual fucking superhero."

Arin shakes his head.

"You're pretty fucking special, you know that?"

"Sometimes, it doesn't feel like it."

"I know," Arin softly smiles. "But hopefully one day, you'll see yourself the way I see you. The way you deserve to be seen."

-

That night, Dan dreams about a world without people like Jake Campos. 

-

Dan almost doesn't see it happening, exhausted from the long night shift. But he hears it first, a whimper coming from a dark alley on his path back to his own house.

Still in his costume, he sneaks closer.

"Shut up, shut up," the mysterious, deep voice growled. "You're going to grab people's attention."

A choked sob makes Dan's eyes widen. He's against the wall at the corner, at first trying to access the situation. But now, he's trying desperately to keep quiet for now and try to think of what to do.

"You don't want people to see you like this, do you?"

"Please, please, stop-"

"Shut up! Fuckin' bitch."

Dan's had enough.

"What's happening over here?" Danny steps around the corner, glaring at the two. 

The guy turns his head, narrowing his eyes. His arm is wrapped around the much younger girl's waist (fuck, did he happen to come across a rapist and a pedophile?), with his hand over the girl's mouth. She's pressed against his body, and in the darkness, Dan can't really see her expression.

"Oi! Leave us alone, mate. Pretty fucking rude."

"Quiet." Dan nearly growls, and it sort of scares him a bit, but he presses on. "Let her speak."

"Come on, man, don't get involved."

It all happens in a flash, and he's only able to understand what happened due to context clues. In less than a second, the guy stumbles back, back to the wall while gripping his leg tightly. The girl runs towards Danny, eyes widened in fear and tear tracks down her cheeks.

"Get him away from me, please, please-"

Dan doesn't remember what she said after that or what really happened after that, because he's already beating the shit out of the bastard.

-

"Y-you're Danny Sexbang..."

He blinked.

"Yes, that's right."

The girl rubs her nose. "My name's Vivian."

-

As he steps away a bit from the unconscious man to call the police, the girl follows him, her gaze intent.

As soon as the police are on their way, he sits down next to her.

He's not sure what to say, especially how to say it. What do you even say after something like that?

"It's really you..."

Turns out he doesn't have to start.

"Oh?"

"I've looked up to you since I was five!"

"And how old are you now?"

"I'm thirteen."

Fuck, Dan thinks to himself, she's only thirteen. What the hell...

"Danny?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

Dan smiles through his now-wet mask.

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Um, I was scared, but now you're here. You're brave, so I'm brave."

Dan looks ahead at the brick wall in front of them. He doesn't know the right words to say. He wants to tell her everything, yet nothing. He feels too much for this, he feels too much for the victims of terrible people. He knows what it's like to feel as if you're out of control, as if you're helpless to the life in front of you. He remembers the fleeting touches that lasted for months until it became impossible to hide. And he remembers what it was like to grow up too soon.

He looks back at the young girl, and winces. He hates the people that see anything more than a child in front of them, that see someone to take control over, someone that can become a victim. He hates people like that creep, people like Skip Westcott, people like Jake Campos.

"I wasn't always this brave."

The girl tilts her head. "What?"

"There's a kid just like you. This was all the way in New Jersey, but he was just a young kid filled with love and adoration." Dan starts to fiddle with his fingers, but he's already started the story, so there's no backing out now. "There was this man who decided that he wanted to have fun with him. But it wasn't fun for the boy at all. He was scared, so scared."

Vivian blinks. He's not sure if she gets what he's implying, but Dan continues anyway, maybe just wanting to get it out there.

"But he told people, and the bad guy was put away. He was scared, but he spoke up. He grew up, and..."

There are sirens coming closer and closer.

"That boy was me. We're both survivors."

They sit in silence for a few moments. It could have been seconds or minutes that passed.

"Everyone says there are bad people in the world, Vivian. But really, there's just people. They do good things or bad things, and usually both. But what happened to you, to me, that doesn't make us bad. It makes their actions evil, but it wasn't our faults."

Dan stands up. He doesn't usually stick around so long; he usually lets the police take care of the whole thing, so that's what he'll do now.

"Tell people. Let this guy be put away for his bad actions... be brave."

Danny turns around, but he feels a hand on his own. He looks back.

"You are brave. Even back then, you were brave. And... and..."

Dan blinks, waiting for her to finish her sentence.

"And thank you. I'll be brave now, for both of us."

-

He goes back home, ending his patrol early.

And for the first time in a long time, he cries, letting out sobs that he had once held back. But now the dam was broken.

-

He sees it on the news, the recent capture of a child predator. He hadn't seen the guy's face in the dark those couple nights ago, but now he can see that face. He looks like he has no remorse, as if he's bored when the picture was taken. But he knows the disgusting thoughts in that bastard's mind, knows what would have happened if he hadn't heard that suspicious noise that night.

-

Dan knows he can't save everyone. He knows he was lucky, having the guy taken away behind bars. But he can try. He can try his best to do something.

He's still healing, no doubt about that. It's been a couple decades, and sometimes it comes back so quickly and so intensely that it feels as if he's back in that living room again. 

But he's still healing, little by little. And he's glad he is where he is, right now.

-

Danny Sexbang is a superhero destined to save the universe. But Dan Avidan didn't think of himself as a hero.

Dan still doesn't think of himself as a hero. He just tries to do good things, and try to be become a better person. And if anything, that's what being a hero should be about.

**Author's Note:**

> i havent updated my other fics uhh oops classes and just general bad feelings are ... hm. this time of year (specifically the beginning part of this month) is always hard, hahahahahahaha . . . 
> 
> anyway comments/kudos would be sooooo appreciated. :)
> 
> also if u wanna venmo or ko-fi at @vinndetta to help ur local college student with fees n shit that would be so appreciated thank you so much <3


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